Reminders
by SPT
Summary: Rodney and John evaluate the concept of moving on. This is a sequel to Tattoos but can be read as a stand alone, discussion of a SLASH relationship and spoilers through Sunday.


**This is a sequel to "Tattoos", but can be read as a stand alone. There is discussion of a SLASH relationship and spoilers up through Sunday. I don't own or have any rights to the Stargate: Atlantis characters. Please read and review.**

He made it as far as the edge of the bed; the towel hanging low on his hips and water dripping down his face and torso from his recently washed hair. Nothing registered, not the fact that the shower was still running, not that his door chime was ringing, and not that his ear piece was chirping, waiting to be answered. His eyes fell to his left arm, the dark ink standing out vividly against his pain skin.

They'd gotten them as reminders; and while the meaning of them would never change, his view of them forever had. They had been Carson's idea, a symbol of their love and commitment to each other without the implications that would get John into trouble. While they hadn't advertised the new development in their relationship, they weren't about to hide it either.

He brought a finger up to trace the lines just as his husband had hundreds of times since the happy day, but never would again.

He'd felt numb for days now, not knowing how to move on; Carson had been his rock, his center. John always projected himself as a true leader, thoughtful and courageous, but in truth he had constantly been plagued by self doubt- until an amazingly sexy Scottish doctor had entered his life that is. But now he once again found himself adrift in a sea of uncertainty; he should have been there for Carson, he should have found a way to get through the lockdown.

"John?"

Rodney let out a sad sigh when Sheppard's blank face came up to meet his own; John's hazel eyes were filled with emotions that Rodney knew he wasn't ready for. Sheppard hadn't said a word since they arrived home from Earth, spending his requested time off alone in his room or on one of Atlantis's many out of the way balconies. They'd given him space, allowing the man to grieve; they'd offered him a shoulder to lean on, but so far no one had received more than that blank look.

"I didn't want to barge in, but you weren't answering the chime or your-" He froze as his eyes were drawn to where John's finger still absently traced the band of Celtic knot work that encircled his arm.

"Does that mean what I think it means?"

He knew that his two friends had very strong feelings for each other, but no one on Atlantis had realized they were that close. Rodney really had been happy for them even though it meant he didn't see them as often; the fact that they'd found happiness in this crazy galaxy more than made up for it.

His breath caught in his throat at John's assenting nod; "when?"

"After the Ancients kicked us out," John answered his voice rusty from non-use. "He- Carson took me to Scotland to meet his family; they were amazing." Silent tears rolled down his cheeks, mingling with the water still dripping from his hair. "I guess I got caught up in the moment; I couldn't believe it when he said yes." John finally dragged his eyes away from the tattoo and up to his best friend's face; "we would have invited you- all of you, but I- I didn't want to give him a chance to change his mind."

McKay placed a soft but comforting hand on his friend's back, "John, Carson loved you, very much. There's nothing in this world or the next that could change that. The tattoo?"

Sheppard gave a hallow laugh, "we couldn't exactly wear rings."

"No, I suppose not." They lapsed into silence, each thinking of what the Scot had meant to them. Rodney took a deep breath, "John, I'm sorry, if- if I had just gone fishing with him-"

"He would have come back as soon as he'd heard about the first explosion and still be de-" Sheppard's throat closed suddenly, he couldn't finish the word. Sure they'd taken Beckett's body back to Earth, buried him next to his father in Scotland; but somehow it still felt that if he didn't say the word, Carson wouldn't really be gone.

"John, we're worried about you." It was a simple statement, but for Rodney it held the weight of the world. He still couldn't figure out how he'd been chosen for this task; true that he was John's closest friend, but Teyla and Elizabeth were both _way_ better at this type of thing. "I know you miss him, we all do, but you're not taking care of yourself. Carson would have read you the riot act days ago!"

Sheppard managed a small smile at that. Carson had always been fanatical about keeping everyone else healthy; it was just really too bad that he hadn't looked after himself the same way.

"Look, we're having a private dinner tonight at 8, just Elizabeth, me, Teyla, Zelenka, and Ronon. I know you don't feel up to seeing a bunch of people right now, but we'd like you to join us. We might be able to help too, you never know… some of us have lost loves before."

"Us?"

Instead of answering, McKay raised his arm and pulled the sleeve of his t-shirt up to reveal the small design of a black hole with a pair of initials in the bottom corner; "her name was Erica. God she was smart, beautiful, and funny too." He gave a little self-deprecating laugh; "still can't figure out why she even looked twice at me, and I'm a genius. She was getting her doctorate in gravitational theory the same time I was working on my second one. We used to have the craziest theoretical debates- I was always right of course, but she never let that stop her from starting one."

John listened in silence, letting Rodney's grief wash over him and take his mind off his own pain. Even a blind man could see that Rodney had truly loved the woman. He'd never seen Rodney this unguarded before- even when he'd been about to die because he couldn't figure out ascension and at Carson's funerals, the astrophysist had put on a brave front.

"She was killed in a car accident two weeks before graduation. I didn't think- I didn't _want _to go on after I lost her." McKay took a shaky breath, "but I did and slowly things got better. I still miss her like crazy, but thanks to everyone here, I'm slowly learning to let people in again."

John's fingers continued to trace his newest tattoo of their own accord. He knew Rodney was right, he had to move on; hell, Carson would have stuck him with the biggest needle he could find and told him to stop being a bloody fool at least twice by now. John also realized that McKay wasn't the only one to lose a love; Zelenka was a widower, Elizabeth had left Simon behind, Ronon had watched his fiancé die, and Teyla had lost Charin not all that long ago.

And there was also the fact that his friends may need him as much as he needed them right now; Carson had been an important part of _all_ their lives.

Suddenly he felt the slightest brush of warmth against the back of his neck, like the briefest touch of a hand- a gesture that Carson had always made when John did something he liked.

He pulled his eyes back up to see Rodney looking at him expectantly, "I guess I'll see you at eight then."


End file.
